Utterlyexposed's Blog

In the trash

utterlyexposed — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 22:05:10 +0000

I had this silver dollar. It was my good luck charm. I knew has long as I had it, nothing could go wrong. My house burned down. I was hit with a car. People around me dropped Like flies. Thank god for that silver dollar I told myself. Just think how bad things would really be without that beautiful charm. Then one day, I took a long look at that silver dollar and realized there wasn’t anything really special about it. I wondered how I could be so blind and not realize that what I was looking at was total surface, nothing with any depth or a heart. I took that silver dollar and threw it into the garbage where it belonged. All of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks. All of the hell I was going through was because of that flashy dollar. I look back and I trace every miserable feeling I have had to that dollar and the mind fuck it played on me. This long nightmare is over and I hope that silver dollar isn’t somehow found by another unsuspecting person.

I have some blood for you.

utterlyexposed — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 22:25:50 +0000

I have depended on you my entire life. You promised me you would always be there for me no matter what. I trusted that. I don’t trust but I always trusted you. I have made mistakes. Mistakes that were never meant to hurt you, but have. I’m told you love me by other people, but that you are unable to talk to me. I guess you just cant forgive me. I am scared. I miss you. But, I fear that nothing will ever be the same way again and that soon I won’t be able to forgive you. Life is so short. Do you really think that i meant to hurt you? Cant you see that my wounds are as deep as yours? Are you punishing me? You know, Thanksgiving is coming up. I have never carved a turkey before, but I can try carving my heart out of my body. If you need proof that I am hurting we can make it really easy for you. Love, Mike.

Why wont you see me!?

utterlyexposed — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 22:26:30 +0000

Mr Johnson? You understand? Ms Watson, any questions? Mr Andy, are you going to sleep on me? She stands up there in front of the room. She is 5’3, maybe 125 lbs, short dark hair, and has worked extra hard to look like a professional. She is wearing glasses, but i doubt she has trouble seeing. She tries so hard to say the right thing. I can tell by how she reacts, that means everything to her if you are paying attention. Her self worth is based on if you get the right answer, even as she searches how to ask the right question. It’s very cold in the room she feels so she bundles up In her jacket, as if she is starring in a new school play. She is ready for her spotlight. What are you guys doing after class she asks. She wants to be in charge, but can’t help but want to be included in all the fun. She seems trapped between two worlds. She passionately wants to be an adult, but isn’t ready to grow up. She is asked how old she is. She says she never answers that question as she plays with her glasses and stands up straight. I wonder what she is hiding and yet what she is hidng is standing right in front of me.

Vow

utterlyexposed — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 16:06:46 +0000

I keep a smile on my face. I invision my future and I vow I will make it happen. All of the creativity I have inside of me will be let out and will impact the world. I look at the past as material for my future. I tell myself I have lots to look forward to. Everything happened for a reason.

A new beginning 2.0

utterlyexposed — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 22:13:27 +0000

So I thought there was something to be said for revealing how I felt to the masses. Somehow I believed that if I released the emotions it would somehow release me of the feelings. It didn’t quite work like that. I am many things and I have many emotions. But I found the more I released my deepest feelings, the more I lived into those feelings. I look back on this blog and I see someone who has been in pain. What it doesn’t show is the excitement I have about my life and my genuine desire to lead a life that means something. I got lost somewhere along the line, but it is never too late to find a map. I look at this as another new beginning, as that is what life is all about. Also, there are some things I would like to keep to myself. Some things are just better left unsaid or better left unblogged! I need something for just me

Me or him?

utterlyexposed — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 22:54:10 +0000

How much pain can someone take before they explode? We are all dealing with hardships. No one person really has it worse than someone else when all is said and done. But I do think that certain souls are more sensitive than others. Who knows why? But i do know i like writing about people like that. Sometimes you just have to take a break from yourself.

Stability

utterlyexposed — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 18:21:55 +0000

I used to pray for adventure. Stability now seems like the most exciting thing in the world. I would imagine this glamerous, exciting life. I thought I was missing out on so much. I could only think about what I didn’t have, what I deserved to have. Or thought I deserved. Now I try to remain present to what is good in my life, as I look to what I want for my life. A home, a job that I like, food on the table, good tv on the tube and good people in my life.

Ripped

utterlyexposed — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 20:56:40 +0000

I attempt to climb a hill. I have climbed many hills and have reached the top each time. Everyone is amazed as they didn’t think I could do it. I didn’t think I could do it either. At the top, I wave to those I left behind. I really miss them. I think each time I have to say goodbye a part of me is ripped away and is left at the scene. I wonder what it will feel like when it’s not my choice to say goodbye. It scares me to think about. I imagine there will be my life before and my life after. I have fallen off many hills. Everyone is amazed as they didn’t think it would happen. THAT I wasn’t so surprised about. At the bottom of the hill I look for those I left behind. They don’t recognize me. I guess that is what happens when so much of you has been ripped away.

Two worlds

utterlyexposed — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 17:36:36 +0000

It hits me. There are two worlds. The world that Im in with other people. I expect things. I want things. I need things. Then there is another world. It’s a world I don’t share with other people, a world that I’m trapped in with no way out. Sometimes I think I’ve escaped, but I’m just watching how I want things to be. I wonder what will happen when my two worlds collide.

I need directions

utterlyexposed — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 21:24:29 +0000

There is this place far away. It is bright and sunny and is always warm with a slight breeze. The people are friendly, but not too friendly. They are having their own fun, but always say hi as to not give you the impression that they are ignoring you. However, if you have your nose in a book they aren’t going to disturb you. I would say that it is the kind of place where you can relax and just let all of your worries wash away with the waves. Some people have one way tickets to this vacation retreat. Some people have never been. Others hope that one day if they are good enough they will make it there. Some others don’t even want to go. I wonder where it is.